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| tiredI'm tired of worrying about others........and selfish people acting like it's all about them....act like i don't got my own damn problems..........i thought a friend is able to tell you the truth.......and even if i did mess up at least go back and say sorry....and be able to have a "real" friendship because i should be able to be honest and tell you the truth and for you to be like hmmm maybe something is wrong.......because why else would i bring it up..........and its not about picking sides its about being fair.........so i refuse to let someone make me question myself....because its sad that you would EVER think that i would do harm and not care.....you must have to think i'm a horrible person....to think that i was "attacking" you......and how fucking old are we....to be dumb about this shiet..........are we not above that and beyond that but i guess not .....i'm sorry you are to focus on yourself........to see that i was really trying to help you in the "WHOLE PICTURE".....since you are in a state of mind thats not able to think like that..........that's what a friend is here to do for you...........to look out for you.............but whatever.............i have to know that i cared all i could and apologize all i could it is you decision to be hard headed and dumb about and continue to allow this one incident dictate the whoel friendship.....AWESOME....its good to know...that you are a quitter! | | |
| Dear Diary, TRUST a big issue for me..........for some reason i've been thinking about my ex-best friend a lot i guess because half of me is like come on this is not happening gotta go mend it but then the other half is like it's time to let it go why hold onto something that isn't there and obviously the other person could give a rats ass........so here I am ........TRUST....don't have very much of that for many people any more because i've learn even with friends i thought i could TRUST.....it ends up going to shit......which is suckie becuase it makes me have BAGGAGE when i meet potential friends like are you going to fuck me over after a long period of time.......because the friends that i have lost ...i built a friendship with them for awhile then it goes to shit....i guess because of me....but then also a friend should still stick by you through your shitty times i guess i wasn't worth it to them.......which is another thing for me my worth....i feel kinda disposable people just kinda use me and toss me and not even care......which SUCKS ASS because i'm the one left all caring and upset while the other people just leave scotch free no pain and not caring......I guess the lesson is to NOT have any friends hahahaha then I'll never get friend dumped and the cycle of being hurt and upset but oh well...this is life right? Thank goodness I still have a handful of people still sticking by me and for that I have to be GRATFUL and not look at all the people that have screwed me and left me.............It's just kind of shitty that I now have trust issues because of friends.....I guess that's what I'll work on next for my therapy session...that's right i'm MENTAL hahaha and have a therapist! | | |
| Dear Diary, Today is another serious day. Yesterday, was a day that I couldn't imagine would EVER happen.......its so un-real that i'm still in shock i don't want to believe it and i can't. I went to the hospital yesterday with Thanh and Jon because Jason was in the hospital......we just thought he maybe needed surgery or something since he was in the ER.....but we were NOT prepared for the news we got.....it was so DEVASTATING ..........so unbelievable....we were the first to show up at the hospital..........and it just brought us to our knees....they told us he DIDN'T make it....and just hearing it i still can't believe it happen.......it's too crazy.... But my lesson to anyone is.....don't take advantage of anyone around you because you just NEVER know.....Jason's death was out of no where and sudden......devastating so sad unreal and unbelievable.... | | |
| HmmMMmM...I haven't really written in this in awhile so I thought I'd update it even though I know no one reads it but thats okay its for myself. So, nothing has really happened except that I work, intern, and school. It is kind of tiring trying to keep up with it all but i LOVE my intern people there are so super sweet so hopefully i'll get hired there after i graduate but who knows......I have a new year's resolutoin to become a better person and i'm currently attempting to be better by seeking help so that good i hope it works. UmMmmM what else oh yes my other resolution is not get fat and work out more because in my job field i see only big fat ladies and thats very scary. Lastly, i need more friends anyone up for that i've become to much of a hermit i need to get out of my shell and live life a little anyone wanna join me? | | |
| Okay so i'm ready for the new year......shiets gone down........and its new years eve and i feel even more shitty...but i've realized what my hole in my heart is and what it is that i'm missing.....and FUCK my family downstairs is having a fucking blast and here i am crying my eyes out how lame am i.....relationships........it just drains the shiet outta you...yes yes......i know i'm that couple that always has problems now its wonderful...its taking a bad toll on me...........BUT out of all the bad stuff today i've had an epiphany.....that the void/hole in my heart is that i don't have the love that i need.......All around me everyone has their own family and that "family love" or have significant others that they love and beginning a family...and i'm just kinda hanging on the outside of everything....like my sister i live with she has her own family and love.....and my cousin that i use to live with has their own family and love...and i guess i never got that from my mom and that family love that i need but oh well at least i've pin point what my problem is and now when i get a therapist i can figure out how to cope with that... and that i turn to my bf for that love ...he doesn't give me that love or help it any better because he just kinda makes things worse even though i shouldn't turn to him to fill my void of love and i should deal with it myself he should at least help with it....instead of just bring up more problems for me. But oh well.....at least i can discuss this with a therapist and people say writing will make me fell better....so we'll see.......so i guess one thing my stupid ass bf did was let me realize he doesn't love me the way i need him too through all my problems and pains that i have instead he just highlites them and makes me feel shittier........so no more turning to a boyfriend to heal my pain of needing love....cuz shiet isn't working...back to being on my own and figuring shiet out for myself ......this will be my challenge coping with the missing love that i yearn from watching everyone else.... wish me luck.... | | |
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